Do the following statements refer to (a) my cat or (b) Lena Dunham?
1. The first thing I noticed was her self-absorption...and her claws.
2. She loves to spend hours ripping things apart for no reason.
3. She’s crazy for other people's food. In return, she mostly produces hairballs.
4. It hasn’t always been easy, but she was a piteous stray and I would feel guilty about abandoning her.
5. Our anniversary is in two days and she's already guilt-tripping me about missing it
6. If it were up to her, every bit of clothing would be hideous.
7. She licks her own ass a lot.
8. I feel that she is judgmental about the food served her and would like it better if it was made by a person flown cross country for the purpose.
9. This is because she comes from a culture in which attention is focused on the mouthy one.
10. As a result of this dynamic, she expects to be waited on hand and foot by the people in her life, and anything less than that makes her bitchy and disdainful.
11. I wish she were more excited about spending time with my friends. Or her friends. Or,. really, anything other than butt-licking.
12. At our local organic bistro, she will often eat nothing because she is too distracted by the people who might be noticing her.
13. If sitting quietly fails to get attention, she will plop herself in the middle of the group, spread her legs, and, yes, start licking her ass.
14. And she always brings her ass. Everywhere. (Still leaves the wallet at home.)
15. She came with me to therapy once and my therapist said, "Put that thing down and get a life!".
16. When I go out of town on a business trip, she seems to do nothing. I suspect covert whining and lots of butt-licking.
17. When I get home from a business trip, she jumps into my lap almost before I get through the door, listing her needs in a long series of loud, yet meaningless, noises.
18. She says she respects my mother but I think she's really just sucking up in case I get tired of her.
19. She’s really more of an ass.
20. She has a sensitive ego and has to take two selfies before leaving her house.
21. She cares more about how many Instagram followers she has than I do.
22. She ripped up my copy of “I'm Okay, You're Okay.”
23. My husband is confused by her and asks me why I bother.
24. Every week it’s some new health problem: bad throat, sensitive skin, wheat allergy.
25. She hates nature, which is weird because it's the most natural thing there is.
26. She hates the neighbor because she is "Mrow, mrow, mrow..." meaning "stealing my attention."
27. She has hair all over his body, like most females who share her background.
28. She has no best friends except for those who bring her things: tuna, toys, shiny bits.
29. She briefly loved another...(nah, let me stop because finishing this might get racist...)
30. Large men trigger a primal fear in her.
31. In addition, she is openly hostile towards anyone who she identifies as "not her" unless they are bringing her the aforementioned treats.
32. She has an obsession with herself that is troubling to me.
33. She once bit someone on accident and has never figured out how to apologize so now she hides in the other room when they come over. When we ask her about it, she seems to be saying it was the other guy's fault.
34. She is available for adoption.
I would say this is with apologies to Dunham, but I think she's the one who needs to issue a few... (re: this)